stelpa

I talked about past things with Hákon last night.

Our experience of the world. How we became what we are. Our basic outlook on life comes from two very different backgrounds, but we arrive at the same conclusion. The moment is precious. We make our own happiness. And that happiness should be treasured as it is happening.

It stirred some old monsters. I've never talked about those things like that. My past. Where I come from. What I come from. The sense of pointlessness that overwhelmed me, that cold disconnected thing that did what was demanded of it and then just... waited... for another day, with more waiting... for it all to be over... for some new demands to burden it... until I made the decision that if I have to stick around, I might as well enjoy it.

Since then, I have lived life very fiercely, but my morals may have been questionable.
I don't really care.

But that digging... Looking through the bars of old dungeons at not-quite-sleeping monsters. Opening boxes that should have been left undisturbed, still collecting dust... it's made me numb. I can feel it like a heavy lead blanket coating my soul. Impenetrable, cold... and I'm struggling to revive that unsinkable spirit that I used to force naivety and innocence and life back into myself. Innocence is a choice. It's the choice to trust, to smile, to not be on guard... the choice to lay down my defenses and discard my armor...

But I opened a box full of my old shiny metal things and they attached themselves to my skin. And still, today, even while wrapped in his arms and his love, all I feel is the metal. I feel cold and untouchable and completely safe. Completely alone.