stelpa

I have had a great many interactions with my Norton Antivirus lately. I finally decided to share my thoughts and clicked the big yellow "Leave Feedback" button, rated the application according to quality and whether I would recommend it to others. Then I even left them a personal comment:

"What this product does, I'm sure it does admirably. But HOW it does it is completely unacceptable. An application that literally harasses the user makes one almost wish for the relative peace of a virus attack! This application does not allow any means of simply quitting it without uninstalling, as far as I can tell, and constantly renotifies me that OH NO MSN LIVE LEFT A COOKIE! Yes! I allowed it! This the application must tell me every 5 minutes (and YES, I'm SURE I want to exit!). The application also does not have an option for not registering. Once that blasted screen appears, the user has no choice but to either forcequit the application or going through the process. Norton Antivirus takes user frustration and second-guessing to soaring new heights, so much so in fact that I would rather be without protection than keep it installed on my system. Fortunately, there are other virus protection programs available. But honestly, even if there weren't, I think I'd rather have AIDS."

I gave them full privileges to publish my feedback in any publication related to their products, if they so wish.

I feel relieved. Frustration was vented. The uninstalling is under way.

It's been crazy.

I'm back from my month long stay in Belgium, landed last Sunday night sometime around midnight. Seeing Hákon was like being whole again. Next time we're definitely going together. Every moment apart is an ache.

After arriving home, we didn't have much time to catch up, as we had to get up early to go join the Big Fishing Trip my father planned. We were 12 or so people, my father, brother, sister, her fiance, some friends of my fathers and four friends of my brother. It was a three day trip, and thanks to the wonderful Maggi we could stay the full three days. Yay! We were staying in a lovely house, though I think more drinking happened than fishing. My father made his delicious grilled chicken one night, the next it was a lobster feast of unrivalled excellence. It was amazingly fun. We made it home Wednesday evening, well fed and rested.

Last night I finally met Katrín and Sverrir again and forced them to taste my homebaked olive bread. They survived. Barely. But much fun was had and as they left, my brother came by. When he talks Hákon into tequila, I run away! Tequila is bad. I stuck with my rum for the most part - one shot of tequila per night is enough for me. Since we might go out on the town again tonight with K&S, I've been trying to not be so horribly tired after staying up 'til something close to 7 or 8 am, getting barely 4 hours of sleep. A workout and spa session worked wonders in that department. As much as a workout and sauna sounds like a poor cure for dehydration, it made me feel so much better to purge some of the toxins in my system. Still. Dehydration and tiredness lingers - my eyes hurt from leaving my contacts in for two days straight again and my skin is so dry it feels like it's a size too small on my hands and face. Drink more water, yes yes.

I'm still waiting for the last bits of material to finish up my June job, so I'm keeping my eyes open for a good job to follow it up with. Jobs are opening up - I'm as surprised as the next person that I seem to have a *useful* education in this rapidly failing economy. Everybody's looking to hire people with good language skills (english and a scandinavian language for the most part - go me!) with a good college education and experience working with text. While this is fantastic for me, there is also so much unemployment at the moment that competition is fierce. However, the jobs I've applied for are all interesting and allow me to use my education, so I'm hopeful. Wish me luck. Being unemployed was really boring and I want to avoid going back to that. Also, I like having money.

There is much much more to be said but this will have to do while I wait for my brain to wake up.

The sun on my skin. He shines. I bathe in that radiance. I have never loved like this; free to abandon myself to it and feel it reciprocated, feel it growing with every touch. I never thought it was possible. I trust him with everything. He trusts me with everything. He never pushes. I never detach. He knows my body and soul better than I know myself. I can recall every detail of him in my mind with startling clarity. I never lavished this much attention on anything before. Because he fascinates me. He thrills me. Excites me. Calms me. Delights me. He is precious everyday moments. He is hidden dreams and stark surprises. He is love.

He is ZOMG OHNOES SHE R HAS CAMERA!

More on Flickr.

stories to read and listen to...

http://otherscribbles.com/

I am thoroughly exsanguinated. Yet I continue to bleed. It's normal. Exhausting.

Hormones are raging and the thoughts in my head are all morbid or depressing. I had more confusing dreams. The images there all tied up with sexuality. Definitions of femininity. A beautiful woman in a department store modelling underwear happens to have a penis. My sister and mother who were with me burst out laughing, and I felt so ashamed/angry at them. Hákon's ex girlfriend (whom I've never met) coming on to me. Confusion. Attraction. Doubt. Insecurity.

Feel so disconnected.

How can my body just override my normal mental state with these strange impulses and random bleak thoughts?

I'm lying in Hákon's bed, my laptop open, making playlists. One for that time I will finally get around to stretching again. One for comfortable background noise when I'm procrastinating so I won't have to get around to stretching again.

It's all I can do, with the pain in my stomach and the fatigue from my body wringing itself out. It settles on my mood like a thick slippery layer, a gory lining of physicality coating every thought.

I want to climb.

I've been doing a little research. It looks like I missed the classes for now, but who knows, perhaps they can arrange something for me. This is Iceland - something can always be arranged.

You just have to talk to people.

I feel so strange. Strange to myself. Comfortable in my own skin again. Unhurried. Unworried. Certain of something for once in my life. Restless, yes, because there are things now that I want that I never wanted, and suddenly the mobility I strove for is hindering me. Be careful what you wish for.

I want something. I want something. For so long all I truly longed for was to feel that I want something in this life, so I'm not just watching it pass, waiting for the credits to roll. I want it with all my heart and soul. If I could will it into being, it would spring up from the ground, because I am so full of clear, unburdened, passionate focus. I will work towards it. I will make it happen.

I have never wanted life like this. I've never found a reason before. A reason why. Life just happened. It still does. But for once, I care deeply for the direction.

And this moment, life decides to cut my anchors and wash me off to sea... the irony is too beautiful to embitter me... I simply greet the waves, my sisters, and start swimming...

my mind is heavy with dreams. restlessness (rootlessness) took ahold of me in the middle of the night, and I said, simply, that I didn't want to go home... it was one in the morning already, we both had work the next morning, and he turned at the light, driving us... anywhere, really... just driving.

He sparks the spontaneity in me, the unpredictable girl so carefully subdued for so long now. He understands. Sometimes you just need to go...

The sky was filled with stars.

The night crept in when I was finally asleep in my bed. Dreams of lost things, packed cases, leaving things behind. I feel bad that I left my best friend behind when I moved here. I feel bad that I haven't unfolded my life yet, with no space to fill. I am compact, 'packed lightly', my life practically minimized to the absolute must haves. There's not much in life you need to have, incidentally. In my case just a change of clothes and my computer, as long as I have somewhere to go.

Everything else is in boxes.
Carefully stored away.

If you don't know Susumu Yokota, I thought I should share this song. It reminds me of likerain and anachronic - it's something I might have expected to find through you guys.

When I woke up this morning, I thought I was fine, and who knows, maybe the symptoms of the two previous days were just in my head...

And then I walked up a flight of stairs.

I'm seeing the doctor in 3 hours.

I hesitate to self-diagnose, but this feels just like the anaemia I had a few years ago. I'm lethargic, my temperature fluctuates from intense flashes of heat in my torso to the more common state of freezing fingers and toes, my limbs are numb and tingly and I'm having a hard time concentrating. At times I even have a hard time coordinating, not bumping into things and last night I had to concentrate so my speech wouldn't sound slurred. The fatigue is there as well. But the main problem is the heaviness in my head.

I remember how it felt to always feel that heaviness. And what happens when it falls down... it is like a weight that is balanced precariously in my brain, but could fall at any moment. When it falls, it's like someone cuts my strings - I fall to the ground like a lifeless puppet, my thoughts still mine but unable to affect my body.

For a control freak like me, that is really fucking scary, k?

I've already made a doctor's appointment to determine what's going on. Just have to wait 'til Friday...

I woke early this morning, thinking I'd sneak out of bed and make some quesadillas and eggs to start the day. Yesterday I was so tired I felt ghostly until I got home from work. I fell asleep almost immediately, and overslept through dinner...

I guess I was still tired this morning, because my plan fell through. I snoozed away the half hour or so that I'd given myself. But I can't say I mind. At this point, I'm even glad. Because I don't think I'd be keeping my breakfast down if I'd had any... I'm feeling so nauseous it's hard to concentrate on anything but exactly how nauseous I'm feeling.

Note to self: Get some sleep tonight.

How do I love Disc? Let me count the ways.
I love Disc to the depth and breadth and height
my crit can reach, when feeling out of LoS,
For the ends of regen and my stacks of Grace...
I love Disc to the level of everyday's
Heroic Daily Quest and tank def cap...
I love disc freely, as I proc Aegis ;
I love disc purely, as I spirit tap...
I love disc with a passion put to use
in PvP griefs, and my party's faith.
I love Disc with a love I seemed to lose
with Rapture nerfs, -- I love disc with the breath,
smiles, tears, of all my life! --- and if devs choose
I shall but love Disc better after patch...

BTW, I've finally set up (read: got Hákon to set up :P) MSN on my Mac. So.

bara (at) bara . is

find me there...

My voice is quite soft in the mornings. I'll need to start my mornings with hot tea or some such if I intend to do a lot of talking this time of day.

I'm braindead. Grrr, arrrgh. But it's nice to be already well into my work day, I'm just not at my most creative.

Mmmm, I like sushi. I had sushi last night. It was nice.

See, this is the best I can come up with...

Now for some coffee and cake...

There's a swollen something underneath my eye. Some tiny blemish that's swollen up everything underneath my eye, as I happen to have particularly hypersensitive skin. It reacts too much to irritation, and then reacts to its own reactions - it's sometimes called skin allergy, but I just call it annoying. A single mosquito bite can cause a reaction the spreads across my entire thigh. This little annoyance is causing a slight pressure on my eye and an uncomfortable swelling sensation in most of the left side of my face.

Fun!

So in between feeling like I've been smacked in the face, I'm trying to work out why the company website randomly develops encoding errors on linux FF3... since I didn't design it, I have no idea, and nothing I've seen so far as I read through the code would suggest any problems. All I can really think of is to sit down and actually retype all the text with Icelandic characters, in the hope that it's just some odd quirk of the designer's software or the uploading process.

In any case, I'm retyping it. Yay.

Oddly enough, despite very little sleep the last couple of nights, I am not very tired. I've been eating more healthy (my only indulgence is my morning vanilla latté and bit of cake to get the day started), drinking plenty of water, going to Laugar for exercise followed by a refreshing sauna and quiet relaxation. My body loves me for it. I love me for it.

Also, I am falling in love with mango and passion fruit skyrdrykkur. Omnomnom.

I am not a huge fan of writing marketing material.

Something about aggressive selling doesn't appeal to me, though all I'm really doing is writing a summary of services offered and products available. That, in and of itself, is a neutral thing. The tone, however, and the choice of description is a matter of marketing. That's the part that annoys me.

But I'm getting somewhere, though not sure where, bit by bit, with a little determination and a lot of sigh. Time now to do a bit of soulcrushing testing to relieve the boredom... eh?

The only part of my job that I dislike is having to introduce what we do to potential clients. I just want to keep it all to myself!

I've been.

All sorts of images ghosting through my brain, words spilling up and out and through, always coded... that's me, isn't it... privacy brings me back. Brings me up to the surface and dear God it's good to breathe...

This feels real. Finally, I feel like myself. It's a cold blast, stepping out of my coccoon, but omnom air, this is lovely... brings me back to the past - stop that line of thought. It's easy to give in to what's effortless, but the future is the only way to go. Rich with sensation, experience and drive. There's nothing like this. There's nothing like life.

I feel drunk on it, afraid of it, inspired by it, in love with it, intimidated by it, hungry for it, hopeful of it, uncertain of it, desperate for it, dreaming and wide awake.

There are certain myths that are very difficult to disprove. One of these is that cold places, snow and frost, are somehow enjoyable or romantic. This is the delusion maintained by those who do not experience the petty everyday nuisances of snow and frost. However, it is a delusion which I do, from time to time, participate in, usually from the comfortable warmth of my bedroom, and I have to admit, sometimes it is quite beautiful.



I'm snug and warm in my room at the family house, shared this weekend only with my brother and sister as my parents are participating in some religiosity or another up in the secluded places where such things are usually performed. Though I will undoubtedly "waste" a good deal of my time in the World of Warcraft, other activities have also been planned. I'm just glad that the weekend is here, as I am exhausted after another busy week, very little sleep and a persistent and achy flu. I am tempted to participate in a little Bacchanal religiosity of my own tomorrow evening, if circumstances allow, but I'll be satisfied with anything as long as I get a bit of space and time to myself. I am so harassed by my own impatience that it is difficult to stop thinking about all the things I have to do and just... relax...

I've done most of them, by the way. Things are pretty much set. All is in order. I can kick back and breathe and just... live this new life that I've started. But with the January craziness behind me, it's an odd change of pace. I need to write and sort my thoughts - I'd all but forgotten my own tools for sorting through my thoughts and realising my emotions, having laid them aside out of fear (though of course I shouldn't have. Hindsight and all that.) It's odd to pick them up again, so very familiar but so long unused.

I need a pair of very big boots.

I feel a bit like a wild animal sometimes these days. The fight or flight response springs up out of nowhere, sending my pulse racing for no good reason. I'm re-learning to be free. It is no easy thing, to tell you the truth. But with a shake of the head and a bit of willpower, I quell the fright and embrace it. And i t makes my heart sing.

I talked about past things with Hákon last night.

Our experience of the world. How we became what we are. Our basic outlook on life comes from two very different backgrounds, but we arrive at the same conclusion. The moment is precious. We make our own happiness. And that happiness should be treasured as it is happening.

It stirred some old monsters. I've never talked about those things like that. My past. Where I come from. What I come from. The sense of pointlessness that overwhelmed me, that cold disconnected thing that did what was demanded of it and then just... waited... for another day, with more waiting... for it all to be over... for some new demands to burden it... until I made the decision that if I have to stick around, I might as well enjoy it.

Since then, I have lived life very fiercely, but my morals may have been questionable.
I don't really care.

But that digging... Looking through the bars of old dungeons at not-quite-sleeping monsters. Opening boxes that should have been left undisturbed, still collecting dust... it's made me numb. I can feel it like a heavy lead blanket coating my soul. Impenetrable, cold... and I'm struggling to revive that unsinkable spirit that I used to force naivety and innocence and life back into myself. Innocence is a choice. It's the choice to trust, to smile, to not be on guard... the choice to lay down my defenses and discard my armor...

But I opened a box full of my old shiny metal things and they attached themselves to my skin. And still, today, even while wrapped in his arms and his love, all I feel is the metal. I feel cold and untouchable and completely safe. Completely alone.